Why Doing Less is Better
Sometimes as women, we tend to want to jump in and pick up the slack whenever our partner, children, or a friend, have a particular issue or problem. We might even feel a sense of obligation to take charge of the situation. Personally, I think it’s part of our “nurturing instinct” as women.
Today I want to talk about why this is not such a great idea and what you could be doing instead.
Let’s take your children for example. If every time they had a need or a want, you solved it for them, how long would it be before that became the child’s default position? Whenever they had a passing desire or a passing fancy it would be, “Mommy, buy me that candy. Mommy, I need that new dress. Mom, I don’t want to do my chores.”
In a few years, you might have a teenager who laments, “Mom, I need you to pay for this. I don’t want to clean up after myself. Mom, why do I have to help? I don’t want to help cook dinner. Why should I feed the dog?”
Then as a young adult, you might hear, “Well I can’t pay my rent, so Mom can you help me out? Mom, I can’t pay my utility bill; do you have any money?” The bold ones might even hit you up for money to go out with their friends, even if they have their own funds to do so.
Are you starting to see the cycle here? Can you see how the child becomes dependent on you doing everything for them? It’s not a matter of whether you want to do everything for them. Of course, as a parent you want the best for your child. But caving into their every need, want, and desire, is not in the best interest of the child.
You see, all the child learns in this situation is that they don’t have to be responsible; all they must do is ask and you will take care of it. This is their learned response. The revelation for parents is that they created this behavior!
Instead, wouldn’t you want your child to learn to be self-sufficient? Wouldn’t you want them to learn how to solve problems on their own? Wouldn’t you want them to learn how to best deal with their own situations and solve their own problems? Yes, that would be a much higher good and it’s a higher good for both you and your child because then you are preparing your child for adulthood. You are teaching them to accept responsibility for their own life and this is something we all must learn to do.
It might be easier to give into them when you’re in the candy-laden grocery store checkout but remember what you are teaching them and what you are ingraining in their subconscious. You are teaching them their behavior is totally acceptable! It would be far wiser to teach your children the virtue of patience, planning, and being responsible. Let them make their own choices when possible. Let them figure it out. Let them experience the result of their actions. That is how we all learn.
This is empowering to a child! I don’t know about you, but I want my children to be empowered. I want them to make wise choices. I do not want them bothering me about everyday activities when they’re 50 years old and still living in my basement.
Now let’s take this same scenario and talk about partners or spouses. You know everybody gets overwhelmed sometimes. When you’re in a relationship you need to function as a partnership. One person picks up the slack for the other and vice versa. But if it ends up there’s always one person picking up the slack, it does not serve the other partner. Instead, it teaches the partner you will pick up the extra weight. After a while, it becomes a habit; it becomes their default behavior, and they will never step up and do the things they should. They start to lose their self-confidence. This is important because when they lose their confidence to step up, they don’t know if they’re even able to do the right thing anymore. They become reliant on you managing everything!
This is not good for your relationship. After a while you will lose confidence in the other person too. You will see how they are not pulling their weight and even if it’s subconsciously, you will start to harbor a grudge.
Another important part is you’re not reinforcing to your partner that he needs to step up and manage his own life. He needs to accept personal responsibility and not just live by default and let things fly as they may, and you must pick up the pieces. That is not behaving as an adult. That is not a mature human being, and it is probably not someone you want to be in a relationship with.
Look for other ways to deal with these challenges, such as discussing expectations with your partner or setting boundaries. For instance, don’t jump ahead to do something that is his job. Just leave it, even if it means dirty socks on the floor.
This same scenario of enabling behavior is often seen with other family members. It can occur with friends or networking acquaintances, too. It’s best to recognize what’s going on and learn to step back and let others manage their own problems. (Asking for advice is different that solving their problems for them.)
Remember it’s your job to teach, foster, and help others.
It is not your job to do everything for everybody else or to assume responsibility that squarely falls on their shoulders. Don’t rob them of the opportunity to gain their own experience so they can grow into better humans. This is something we all need.
Whew! Doesn’t that feel like a load off your plate?
Janie J is the author of “Live the Life You Have Imagined,” “Single and Sixty,” “The Unimagined Awakening” and The New I Am Document, Volume 1.”
She began writing books after a spiritual awakening let her tap into universal wisdom. Her mission is to help others live a life of more joy and understanding and to raise the consciousness of all humankind. Get started on your own journey with a free copy of the Connect to Transform Process at www.TheNewIAMMovement.com/transform.
